Thanataphobia
Thanataphobia is the fear of death. Not the fear of dying (necrophobia), but the fear of being in the state of "death." In the past few years, this problem has been growing and growing, and it's really getting to me. It also forces me to think... way too heavily in philosophical terms. I don't know why it's specifically happening at this point in my life - when death (theoretically) is still decades away. When even if I treat my health horribly, chances are I still haven't even lived half of it yet. So, let's talk about my personal beliefs. I am agnostic. Like... positively agnostic, which means that I do not know and have spent a lot of time exploring and building an opinion of "I don't know." I have personal evidence to myself for existence for and against the belief of a deity and an afterlife and all of that. Sometimes it gets to be merely... the belief in big numbers - the odds of my specific conception were so monumentally small, etc. - and sometimes it's clearly hope, rather than belief - the eternal oblivion of existence is the most frightening thing imaginable to me. I'll be honest. A lot of this was inspired by Crash Course's episode of philosophy today - "Perspectives of Death" where they went through many philosophers of the past all saying that it's stupid to fear the cessation of existence. I still fear it. So... let's talk about that, because no one has been able to convince me that, not only is not a bad thing, it is the worst thing. First of all, let's talk about the way most people want to die. You ask anyone and they'll all tell you the same thing - they want to die quietly, painlessly in their sleep at the end of a long life. I wouldn't prefer that. I want to see it coming, even if its at the cost of a painful degenerative disease. Here is my philosophy on the matter. No matter what I'm going to want to reflect on everything that I have done, but here's the main idea. Either, when the time comes, I haven't done everything that I want to do, or I have. And some of those things are interpersonal relationships that I want to form, and I want to give them time, and comfort before I die. A sudden death makes both of those things impossible, and one of them at least must be true with my life at all given times. I don't fear pain. I don't fear being sick. So, let's talk about death. As an agnostic, there are two options - either the story ends or it doesn't. It really is that simple. My logical self says that the latter option is the most probable. Consciousness comes from the brain and with the brain not active and being eaten by worms, consciousness can't exist and blah blah blah. And on that string of logic, I hit the hope that the exact atoms and molecules that form my consciousness will go through the cycle of being eaten and changed into energy and being eaten and changed into energy again to form the consciousness of another thing. Bargaining can be the weirdest stage of grief sometimes. So... bargaining What happens when the sun consumes the earth, or when the universe itself dies because of astrophysics? I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's talk... philosophy. I've talked to many atheists about how they get through or around this fear or whatever. This is pretty much the atheist idea, that when you die, it's over. It's like being put under anesthesia and you don't wake up, ever. The strange thing about an afterlife, even a lack of one, is no matter how good you make it sound, one person's absolute paradise is always going to be another person's absolute hell. Let's talk about some ways people have tried to comfort me about this. "Think about it, no more pain and no more suffering. It'll all be over." Yes, but there will be no more pleasure. There will be no more love. There will be no more happiness, empathy, mercy, kindness, compassion. No relief. No more good food, no more good music, no more good games. Maybe I'm just a... sad anomaly in the grand scheme of things. This isn't comforting if the total sum of the parts of your life is currently positive, if there is more pleasure than pain. Also, for this logic, then giving birth must be a sin, right? If death is such a relief to pain and suffering, then birth is what causes it, right? I'm sorry, but a scorched earth policy doesn't comfort me. "Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." This old Epicurus quote. I've heard many variations about this. I mean, it is humorous, being literally afraid of nothing. It's not the death itself that concerns me. It's the loss of memories, and experiences. If I can't remember my life, it almost feels - to me - that I've never existed at all. If I suffered brain damage or began losing my memories or if I was reprogrammed through torture or a cult, it's another way that I'd consider myself dead. It's not just... the loss of consciousness. It's an idea called "identity death." The scary part is that when I die... to me... it's the same as if I never existed at all. That's the terrifying part. I don't know if this sounds crazy or realistic, but it's truly what I feel. My life is a culmination of the past. The things that I have done. The things that I have seen. The things that I have made. I can't really explain it, but this statement doesn't bring me comfort. "Not existing" is the fear. That is the fear. The total lack of everything. Anything. - The Desire to be Remembered- Fact: Death is inevitable, as is the death of everyone you know, everyone who knows you, the very earth itself, the human race, the very universe itself. This cannot be made easier to digest. It cannot be made happy. It cannot be made comforting. In spite of this, most humans try to leave a legacy, something that will be remembered, even if it's only their genes in starting a family. I want to leave proof that my life really happened. Some people paint... living forever as a pipe dream, or I dunno, selfish I guess. But most people attempt to leave some kind of legacy behind. A lot of people say that the best we can hope to is to just... enjoy our life, because that's the only thing that can really last. Except, with the cessation of existence, any joy you've ever felt is the first thing to go. Any good time in your memory is gone. The desire to live forever and be remembered is quite possibly one of the best contributing factors to all of humanity's greatest endeavors. First of all, let's do a thought experiment. Let's assume the solipsists are right. Except, you're the universe. It's all coming from you and your mind and perceptions. The second that you die, the very second, not only does your consciousness go poof, but the very sum of everything of the universe. Literally nothing exists after you die. Tell me... would you get married? Have children? You definitely wouldn't leave them a will. Would you keep on trying to write that book or paint that masterpiece that's taking you your entire life? What if you were trying to cure cancer or AIDS, and you knew that it wouldn't be done in your lifetime? Most people try some grasp at living on past their own lives. Sometimes it's just trying to start a family, or make a piece of art. But some people really are trying to cure diseases that won't have solutions in their lifetimes. Some people are trying to help us live on other planets. Should we tell them that everything that they spend every day doing will eventually be forgotten by the sands of time? "I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it." was allegedly said by Mark Twain. Well, no shit Sherlock, you lived in the past. And the past fucking sucked. Trust me, the brochures say that the past is a terrible place to live. But... I'd say I was inconvenienced. Missing out on historical events, not buying stocks in Microsoft, living in a time when you could probably make a career off of writing. Provided humans don't blow themselves up, advancements in medicine, technology, and society only show the world to be better. Statistically, the world is going to be a better place the day after you die, than the day before it. Maybe we're just at some... strange moment in time that Mark Twain couldn't conceive of. Also, we can't go to the past, but technology and medicine can help us extend our life. -The meaning of life- A lot of people say... if you lived forever or had an eternity, your life wouldn't have meaning. Considering that, you know, the universe is going to end up in a fiery pile of heat one September day when September days don't have meaning any more, life and meaning are incongruent. It's like asking what's the color of a translucent gas - not only does it not have that quality, it can't have that quality. All because of eternal oblivion. So, life, the human race, the universe. It's like one giant cosmic game of Tetris - the best you can hope for is to get a high score before you eventually top out. And you will. And then you can never play it again. Also, you don't have any time to reflect on it. In fact, you won't even remember that you played it. Isn't that wonderful? No. It's depressing as fuck. This is not a happy belief to have. Or, who knows, people - humans or whatever they evolve into - still have billions of years to escape the earth before it gets eaten by the sun, and trillions of years before the heat death of the universe. And that's assuming that we're not missing some level of science or physics that proves our current predictions entirely wrong. But now we're back to bargaining, right? -Sorry for being depressing- It's just... this problem has been gnawing at me for some time. I've tried to out philosophy it in every way possible. I've tried to get rid of this fear... but I don't think I'm able to. I guess I'll be afraid of eternal oblivion until I get eternal oblivion. Death is... a scary prospect, no matter which way I sauce it. "If this happens, you won't even realize it" is not a comfort. If I get brainwashed by a cult until identity death, I won't realize what I lost either. And I don't think there is a solution to this phobia. I'm just gonna... review Powerpuff 2016 and... try to figure things out. Category:Miscellaneous